To Forgive
by LunarNix
Summary: After a short series of what seemed to be unavoidable events, Izaya finds himself thrown into a hurricane of emotions and fears that he didn't know he still possessed. After everything that he's done, he still can't seem to bear being so near his old lover and rival. Even after being told that he was forgiven. Can he forgive himself and move on? Or will the pain be to much to bear?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Behold! The return of the great TO FORGIVE! (it's not that great for that intro) This story was hard to re-write. It was already stuffed full of details but it was fast paced. Hopefully this version is better.**_

 _ **Like always...I hope you enjoy! ~**_

* * *

 ** _Izaya POV_**

* * *

I had always regretted it, my senior year of high school. I had wasted my first three years building up the trust of those around me...just to turn around and break it all down again. The shock not only hurting them, but me as well. But if I was to be perfectly honest with myself: I never really wanted to. What I had done was just a ploy for distance...and it worked. It worked too well in fact.

The games I played on other's emotions filled those years. Pain, grief, resent, hate; these are the emotions I enjoyed the most. But with each game I played; the more empty I felt. The more I hid himself away from others around me. The more I hid in my own mind, a doll at the mercy of his puppeteer.

Even with all the hurt...several years later...I was still playing those games.

I don't even remember when my thoughts towards the topic changed.

On this particular day I was wandering around Ikebukuro looking for my favorite toy. I had expected to find him getting into yet another fight. Only an hour earlier had I heard a rumor that my plaything had gotten himself fired again. Apparently, his boss had decided that the bar would be better off without such a dangerous man working there and put him out. But he had gotten pretty attached to the job and enjoyed working there...but now. A dark feeling filled the air, giving me chills as I walked through the crowded streets.

I walked aimlessly through town, thinking about the poor blond and anything else that happened to catch enough of my interest to stay in my mind for more than a moment. Although my thoughts were abruptly cut short as I walked into what felt like a solid wall, knocking me to the ground.

"Oww..." I whimpered as I glanced up. "Shizu-chan?"

The 'wall' turned around slowly, his short blond hair covering half of one eye. "Shoo, flea." He said in a deep voice and waving me away. "I don't feel like playing your games today." A slight tone of exhaustion was in his voice.

"Why not? Is it that you got fired...again?" I smirked, stepping back a step. Who would have guessed that the reaction Shizuo gave would be different than usual. It wasn't right. Shizuo should be a monster. Monsters aren't capable of human emotions. The lack of rage in Shizuo's face made me frown.

He just lifted his gaze to mine, staring with the very brown eyes that the brunette adored. "I'm not in the mood to play today." I was frozen to the spot, speechless at the emotions in those eyes. I quickly snapped out of it, teasing the older male.

"Aww, Shizu-chan's sad." Shizuo began to walk away with some no difficulty in ignoring my taunts. Though he couldn't ignore what I said next, "Does your little brother know you got fired?" Shizuo's brother had given him a bunch of uniforms for the job. It had been six months since he started his job there. Shizuo's worst fear would probably been disappointing Kasuka.

He flung himself around to face the grinning informant, "You leave him out of this!" He reached out quickly to catch me as I began to back away. "It's none of your damned business!"

"I think you should let him know," I turned tail, shouting over my shoulder, "But, I think I'll go tell him now!" I ran in the direction that I knew Kasuka was sure to be. It wasn't two seconds until I could hear Shizuo shouting after me, heavy footsteps pounding concrete. Shizuo was gaining fast, but I was faster. Already half a block ahead of the stubborn blond, I tore through the crowd. It was times like these that I was glad to have taken track in high school.

I turned a corner, my mind easily wandering off again. I wondered how bad this stunt would hurt him, how much he'd suffer. How much further away I'd get from this beloved blond with something this simple. Even as I thought this, I was barely aware that the upcoming pedestrian walk light had turned to the red DON'T WALK as I bumped into a someone, tripping and falling into the road and oncoming traffic.

I had but a moment to figure out what happened after I had hit the ground and when I did my heart seemed to stop. A large truck, one that wasn't stopped at the light, was speeding my way. I felt my heart drop and my mind freeze for the first time in years as I tried to find a way out.

Before I could even think about anything else, my breath was knocked out of my chest as I was pulled by my hood, back and out of the way. A pair of strong arms holding me protectively. I had never felt so small, so mortal, until that moment, just mere inches from a brush with death. My breath coming in ragged gasps as I tried to calm down. I glanced up to see Shizuo out of breath and felt my arms begin tremble within his hold.

"You're such an idiot!" Shizuo scolded, his expression strange. I felt his heart drop as full realization hit him. Shizuo had saved him. This man had risked his own life to save me, a wretched informant that's been torturing him for years. "Don't go and kill yourself, Izaya!"

I was completely confused; Shizuo was always trying to kill me but...he just saved me. He could have just let that truck hit me. He had even called me by my proper name instead of the crappy short ones he'd come up with recently "Why?" I found himself asking.

Shizuo didn't answer right away, prompting me to glance up again. There was a visible swirl of complicated emotions in his eyes and moments passed in silence. Finally, he answered, muttering softly, "I don't want you to die this way..."

"So you still want me to die?" I scoffed with slight irritation as I stood shakily and walked away, leaving Shizuo sitting on the curb, flustered, confused, and angry. I glanced back just as I rounded the block, watching as a tinge of pink and a new expression crept onto his face.

When I had finally made it home, I locked my door and collapsed onto the sofa, suddenly tired. I stared at the familiar ceiling and walls with slight discomfort. I almost didn't come home today. Not that anyone would complain(except my generously paid landlord). Even so; I recalled the event this morning, finding myself slightly smiling.

"Why...Shizu-chan..." I muttered to himself. Shizuo's face invading my every thought. How pained it looked at that moment and then how flustered and red it became. "Those expressions don't suit you...so funny." I laughed, drifting quickly to sleep.

* * *

 _ **Shizuo POV**_

* * *

That night, I had a nightmare.

I know. A grown man having bad dreams. Go ahead and laugh. It always seems silly for those other than the one having those dreams. Those vivid dreams that you can never tell if you are actually dreaming or awake.

It was the same scene as earlier in the day and I was chasing after Izaya, though this time I couldn't quite seem to catch up.

"Izaya!" I called out as the small figured brunette rounded a corner, vanishing from my sight for a moment. Fear settled into my stomach as I sped up but barely making any progress. By the time I reached the corner, I watched helplessly as Izaya tripped and fell into traffic. A shocked expression crossing his face as the heart-stopping squeal of tires and loud bang of metal as he vanished like a shadow in sunlight. His body rolling a few times before laying still against the concrete.

I stepped forward in disbelief. No way. There was just no way. Izaya would just die off at something like this. He would get back up and start trying to piss me off. He wouldn't just lay there. He couldn't. He couldn't just leave me behind like this! I took another step. Izaya's stilled body coming into view.

I dropped to my knees, feeling the sting of tears behind my eyes.

No...

The clear, pale white skin now tarnished with bruises and scrapes from the street. Blood splattered on his features.

No...It's not...

His neck bent at an odd angle as well as his left leg. His shirt hiked up, revealing his partially disemboweled stomach. Blood pooling around him.

It can't...He can't...

The same face that taunted me so much...twisted into a permanence grimace of shock. Those amber eyes that used to be so calculating, now wide and unseeing, gazing at nothing towards the sunny sky above him. His mouth open, the perfect white teeth covered in blood that trailed down his neck.

I rushed forward, but not getting more than a few steps before finding myself being held back. Someone was talking to me but I couldn't hear a word he said. My only thought was reaching the broken informant and making sure he wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. There was no way. I broke away from the man, only for two more to stop me, I tried to shake them off when two more men helped keep me still.

"Stop boy...he'd gone." One of them said. I shook my head, shouting at them to let me go. I shook one of them off, extending that arm towards Izaya's body, tears running freely down my cheeks.

"IZAYA!"

I shot up with a cry, tears streaming down my face, carving pale, white trails on my cheeks. My breathing heavy and ragged as I wiped the salty tears away. Glancing at the clock, I sighed. It was barely past 3. "Dammit." I turned over and sighed, barely noticing that my hands were shaking beyond my control.

It could have easily have become reality. It would have been so easy to have left him in the road. To end all the torture that I put myself through. But my body moved on its own, quicker than it had ever moved before. After all; I had been afraid. I was very afraid even after Izaya was trapped safely in my arms, his little figure trembling. I was afraid, afraid of the death of my beloved parasite that I so narrowly managed to avoid.

Although I would never dare to say it out loud nowadays...I had loved Izaya in high school, even after the betrayal in their senior year. I couldn't bring himself to hate the informant. But I was sure that I was the only one who felt that way though. Even after Izaya continued to frame me for his crimes or drop giant I-beams on my head I...I could never hate him.

After all these years, his small body was still like a child's; his cute, delicate features and figure. I had missed holding Izaya as I had done so casually in high school. Though now; he seemed to fit all the more perfectly in my arms. I shook my head and pulled the covers tightly around myself as I tried to push the memories of gentler, more carefree, days away.

It wasn't my reality. In my current life, Izaya hated me and has showed it every day since he returned. I let out a huge sigh and curled into a tight position under my covers, drifting off slowly into another nightmare.

* * *

 **Izaya POV**

* * *

I woke to a sudden coldness on my face. One so cold that it made me nearly jump out of my skin. "Wake up, Izaya," I heard Namie sigh as she balanced a canned coffee on my forehead and hissed at the chill against my warm skin. "You call me in super early and then you sleep in..honestly."

I opened the drink, taking a swig to wake myself up(and calm my nerves from the scare). Today I had an important customer coming in wanting information on someone in Ikebukuro, as usual. Namie was sitting in for some support. Even if she didn't know that herself. I still wasn't used to the whole informant thing. Gathering the info was the easy part, it was dealing with the often hysterical client that threw me through a loop.

Especially when my customer today was a well-known CEO from Shinjuku who has a suspicion that his wife is having an affair with a young bartender. Of course the first face that popped to mind was Shizuo but, he wasn't very good in the romance factor. That was something I could vouch for since they had technically "dated" a short time in their freshman year. And that he was currently unemployed.

A knock at the door disturbed my moment of nostalgia and Namie showed a very roughed up man to my office. I quickly put up my facade and greeted him. "Well, well, Nakuto Hiroshima-san," I grinned, somehow pulling off a light and joking tone. "Looks like you ran into a bit of trouble before you got here."

"Hmph, nothing I'd tell you about, that's not why I'm here," He grunted, sitting across from me. This guy was huge...and sweaty. "About my wife..."

"Ah yes, you'd like me to follow her and find out who she may be having an affair with, right?" I fake yawned in boredom, cutting him off. I wanted this meeting to go quickly. "All I need is her picture, just send it in an email or something."

"Alright then..." He pulled out his phone, typed in a few things and my phone pipped. I flipped it open, and opened the picture. In the screen, a beautiful woman sat in an armchair reading a book. She must've just glanced up when the picture was taken by her expression.

"She's quite the beauty, Hiro-chan." Hiroshima's expression saddened then turned to light rage. "I'll let you know what I find." I waved my hand to dismiss him and Namie showed Hiroshima out. I yawned, stretching my arms above my head.

"You look tired," Namie sighed as she returned. "Even though you slept in." I could almost see the black circles I must have under my eyes if she had to point them out.

"Hmm..." I stood, walking to his sofa, letting myself fall over onto it. "Perhaps you're right. I'm gonna sleep some more then." Namie sighed again and went about the apartment, cleaning a few things and organizing paperwork before she left.

The door had just closed behind her when I received a email from Hiroshima with the name of a bar and it's address. I sighed, rolling myself out of the coziness that is my leather couch. Sleep was going to have to wait. For now, there is a job to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: Such a short chapter...but since these are rewrites I don't have much more content to add rather than perfecting the story itself. I've went and edited several chapters before posting this one so look for multiple uploads today._**

 _ **As always, I hope you enjoy.  
**_

* * *

 _ **Izaya POV**_

* * *

I arrived at the bar twenty minutes later wearing a light blue tee and faded, tattered jeans, a black jacket hanging over my arm. I was slightly damp from the rain that had begun to pour before I left. My vision was a bit blurry through my thick glasses I wore but I quickly spotted a beautiful woman sitting at the bar and chatting with the bartender. It was definitely Kaori Hiroshima. I held back a smile of triumph as I sat on the open stool next to her and the bartender turned his attention towards me, "What can I get you?"

"Navy Rum, make it strong." I replied with a fake defeat in my tone.

"Bad day?" Kaori asked, absentmindedly braiding her long chestnut hair.

"Yep, I got dumped today." I sighed. That grieving act was one I was good at. It also tended to gather attention and quickly start conversations. "What's got you drinking in this dump, miss?" The bartender gave me a dirty look. "What? I say it as I see it!"

Kaori laughed, although her expression quickly darkened, "I just needed to get away, from my husband." She swirled her drink around in her glass.

"How long have you been married?" I asked taking a sip of my drink, instantly feeling the buzz. I had said to make the drink strong but I didn't expect it to be this strong. It didn't help that I didn't hod my liquor well either.

"We just celebrated our 7-year anniversary last month." She laughed lightly.

"Ooh, congrats!" I said through the glass.

Kaori's posture tightened a bit and her expression saddened. "We had gotten into a fight recently and I needed to get out of the house for a while."

I thought for a moment before answering, "What? Are you pregnant or something and he doesn't want the kid?" I spoke in a joking tone, not wanting to be too obvious. I knew I hit the mark when her head jerked up and her jaw dropped lightly. I shrugged, "I must've guessed right then."

She nodded, "I want to keep her, but..." A pause. "...he doesn't..." I watched her posture slowly relax once more, "By the way, I don't believe that I've caught your name, I'm Kaori Hiroshima."

"Hmm?" She was staring at him, intently staring. I hadn't thought about giving my name out. "I'm Iza-" I paused a moment for a cough, "Pardon, I'm Itsuki Narita."

"Well then, Narita-kun, I must take my leave." She said standing from her seat, "I'll buy you a drink next time we meet."

"Isn't that the guy's job?" I laughed and she shook her head.

"My treat!" Kaori left with a smile before I could argue further, leaving me a bit confused. Hence why I loved humans so much. They are unpredictable and unexpected; well, except for my beloved toy. Shizuo never did what I expected or even wanted him to.

I watched Kaori leave, before turning back around in my seat and sipping unconsciously at my drink. I quickly found my mind occupied with thoughts of Shizuo and how he had been fired recently. But it's not like that was his only job(even though it was the higher paying of the two). It was still a bit shocking. As far as I knew, he loved that job. It must've been an acquired taste for him though with his hot head and all. I couldn't help but wonder why he'd been fired to begin with. As I heard it, the bar had become very successful with him in their ranks.

I was yanked out of my thoughts as I heard a familiar voice speak up next to me, "Pardon me, I'd like to submit an application for hire."

I froze, visibly, turning to face the very beast I had just been thinking about. My beloved blond beast, Shizuo, was standing next to me. It took almost all I had not to shout out at his sudden appearance. I quickly put my expression under control before anyone noticed. Damn Shizuo scaring the shit out of me like that.

The bartender looked him over, "Do you have experience?"

"Ah, yes, I worked at Tsuki-hime just recently," he answered. "They laid me off, saying they had too many workers."

"What's your name?"

Here goes. I knew immediately the reaction the barman would do.

"Shizuo Heiwajima."

The bartender's face paled as if on cue, "Shizuo? Like the man who is said to be the strongest in Ikebukuro?"

"A title I'd prefer not to have," Shizuo's figure slumped a little.

"Well, I'm sorry but-" The bartender started. I knew that he wouldn't hire Shizuo and found myself speaking with more defense than anything in my tone.

"Hang on a moment," I said, cutting the bartender off. "I've heard that he is a hit with the younger customer group and every bar he's worked at flourished," I added. "I also hear that he is such a good worker that you'd never even guess he had a back-round that violent."

Shizuo looked at me while I spoke, then turning to the bartender again. "Please, I really need this job!" He begged the bartender, bowing his head. "I'm begging you!"

After a moment the bartender sighed, "All right, but the minute you cause any trouble you're out _and_ you'll double as security."

A smile crossed Shizuo's face, "Thank you!" The bartender seemed to be struck by his sudden attitude change and laughed, "You'll start tomorrow night!"

Shizuo sat next to I all smiles and sunshine, my heart fluttered in my chest. He looked handsome normally but now, his skin seemed to glow with excitement and his smile made seem him even more handsome. It might have been the lingering feelings since high school but...no. No, it wasn't. This was different. It was deeper and more present than that feeling had been. I shook my head, placing money on the bar. It was time for me to go but not before I took the chance to tease my beloved monster.

I slightly leaned into Shizuo's ear and whispered, "Consider us now even, Shizu-Chan." I quickly made my leave before Shizuo had time to process what I'd said especially since the blond had a habit of throwing things at me without restraint. I didn't want my beloved beast to get fired before he even started his shift. I made a hasty retreat, but not before catching his shocked expression as I glanced back.

* * *

 ** _Shizuo POV_**

* * *

I turned to the retreating brunette shocked as disappeared out the door. I didn't know it was Izaya until he spoke, which made me both shocked and happy. I stood and followed him out into the cool night's air taking a deep breath to cool my pounding heart. the chill of the air was pleasant and served to calm me until I heard Izaya speak. I glanced over to see Izaya texting someone and sighing, "Haha, 'consider us even'...I've always wanted to say that."

I gathered up my flimsy courage and called out to the shockingly calm Izaya. "Hey, shorty." You could almost see the irritation blow off him in waves before he turned around and they disappeared; replaced by a light pink blush in his cheeks. I wanted to laugh at him and embrace him at the same time. How could someone like this act so cute.

"W-what do you want?" Izaya stuffed his phone into his pocket, moving his glasses onto his head and out of his eyes. He avoided my eyes(not that I minded).

I took a step towards the fretting informant, at the same time lighting a cigarette, "Thanks...for earlier." I took a long drag of the cigarette and leaned against the building beside Izaya, waiting for the other to speak.

Izaya remained silent for a moment before mumbling, "I told you...we're even..."

"I know that, I just wanted to say it." I examined Izaya's figure and sighed. "Go home and eat, you're a twig." I put a hand up to silence his protest, "I'm saying it cause it's true."

By the time Izaya tried to speak again, the light drizzle that had been present had turned into a downpour. Both of us threw curses at the weather, making a run for the canopy in front of the bar.

"Tomorrow..." I started, turning to face the wet haired informant, "Come visit." Before Izaya could say anything, I had gone back inside; though shortly reappearing with an umbrella. "Okay?"

Izaya accepted the umbrella and quickly nodded as he turned towards home. I watched him run through the rain until he turned a corner and vanished from my sight. I smiled as I was probably the most normal conversation we've had in a few years. I felt a rush of excitement as I turned to go back inside, all smiles. Yes, today was a good day after all.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Izaya POV**_

* * *

I ran home as fast as I could in the downpour. I was getting myself soaked as I ran, the umbrella barely holding off against the freezing drops. The rain was like small daggers against any skin that was exposed. For the time of year it was rather cold, the wind reflecting it as it chilled my skin, whipping in sharp slashes. By the time I could see my apartment coming into view, I was soaked to the bone, not a bit of me to be spared in this sad storm.

I ran up the stairs until I reached my room, shrugging off my jacket as I entered, letting it fall onto the bathroom floor as I entered the room. I shuddered lightly, twisting the knobs in my shower and waiting for it to warm. Glancing up, I noticed that I was still blushing which made me redden even more(if that were possible). "W-what am I? A teenage girl?" I laughed at myself, noting the slightly higher pitch of voice and the stutter I would never have let through if I was around others.

I reached into the shower, almost burning my hand before adjusting the temperature. I undressed slowly, my mind returning back to the previous hour, standing outside the bar and talking to Shizuo. _Talking!_ It was perhaps the most normal conversation we've ever had...since high school at least. Nothing being thrown, no curses and shouts, no death threats; just us with no barriers. I stepped into the shower, quickly washing up and getting out.

I entered my bedroom with a sigh and plopped onto my bed in old grey sweatpants and a small towel around my neck, and scrolled through my phone's older pictures out of boredom. It was a few minutes later when I came across an old picture of myself and Shizuo in high school, arm in arm, both smiling ear to ear. A pair of idiots who had no idea what was to happen a short week after the image was taken. No idea of the scarring and the pain that would come from my actions. The stupid mind play of a boy that was so lost, _is still_ lost.

"If I hadn't done what I did to him, would we still be like that?...two smiling idiots?..." I muttered to myself, vision beginning to blur and darken. My chest began to ache. The phantom pains as I remembered the true pain my actions had caused, the look of betrayal in those once warm eyes. The horror and betrayal on Shizuo's expression back then it...it was one I'll never forget. I'll never be able to be forgiven for my actions. That past has already been gone and can't be changed.

I turned onto on my side clutching the phone close to my chest but it did nothing to quench the pain. It only slightly held back the break down I knew was imminent despite how much I wanted to keep the tears in. I wasn't supposed to be able to think of my own misery when I had, and still cause pain for others. But sure enough, it wasn't long before silent tears finally poured out, betraying the tight hold I tried to have on them. 'I'm the real idiot...fooling myself into thinking that I might ever be forgivin...' I thought as I curled up into myself deeper, sobbing in earnest as the storm poured outside, drowning out any apology I may have said that night.

I woke the next morning, unaware of when I had fallen asleep but I seemed to wake even more tired than I had been the day before. It took a moment to get the motivation to move but soon I rolled out of bed and walked dazedly to the bathroom. I glanced into the mirror, my eyes red-rimmed but also weighted with heavy dark circles. With a sigh, I splashed water onto my face, getting myself ready for the day. I stole a glance at the clock; it was still just 8am. I checked my temperature shocked since I usually sleep longer than that and Namie wasn't supposed to be in for another six hours.

I paced around the living room and decided, finally, to go out for a walk and eat breakfast at that new diner that had just opened up a month before. It was a cute little place with a modern feel to it. I personally liked it and it's food was certainly unique along with each day's uniforms. It's name though, was very uncreative, the Modern Cosplay Diner. I felt bad for the girls who were unfortunate to work there since the owner was a perverted man, although he did pay well. I walked through the doors a little while later and found an empty booth by the window, waiting for one of the waitress to roll by on their skates.

"Welcome! Here's our menu, today's breakfast special is the Maple Lite pancakes and Vanilla Mocha shakes!" Said the waitress who was dressed in a blue/lavender sailor school uniform.

"Is today's uniform school-related?" I asked the girl who blushed. Her face turning nearly as red as the menus she held.

"Yes, tomorrow's uniform is a maid's outfit." She said sadly. "The owner seems to be into a certain anime right now..."

"I've got no complaints, at least it never gets boring and you get to keep the uniforms." I replied as I picked through the menu. "I'll have the western breakfast platter and a Vanilla coffee."

"Alrighty then, I'll bring you your order in a few moments." She said skating off. I sighed, leaning back and watching out the window for anything interesting. Not long after I was startled by a familiar voice speaking from beside me.

"Izaya-san, what are you doing here?" I heard Mikado's voice ask from behind me. I looked up to see him sitting down in my booth.

"Hello," I said with a wave. "How's my favorite Dollar leader?"

Mikado frowned, "Hush, I'd like for that not to get out..."

"Yes yes, we don't need our little leader getting himself arrested now do we?"

"You never answered my question Izaya-san."

"Ah, you're right." I yawned lightly, "I'm here for breakfast."

"In a maid cafe?" Mikado seemed suspicious but nodded, "I can see why."

"Ooh, had our innocent boy finally learned what to look for in women?" I teased.

"It's not as if I've never looked around myself. Give me some credit."

"Yeah yeah, so tell me, which one do you like?" I asked, leaning over the table a bit, "The owner dresses the girls up in such a way that-ouch!" I feel a whack on my head, looking up to see Namie standing beside our table.

"What's got you up so early pervert? You usually sleep until I come over." She sighed as my coffee was placed in front of me.

"Nothing really, I just woke up early today." I said taking a sip of the liquid heaven. "and I'm not a pervert...just a man with visual needs."

"And you're drinking coffee?" Namie crossed her arms. "The world must be ending."

"I'm 26, I can drink coffee when I want to." I scoffed, stabbing my eggs after they were placed before me.

"You're still just a child though," She whispered under her breath. "By the way..."

"What?" I muttered from behind my coffee mug.

"Were you crying?" She leaned over and asked into my ear. I choked, almost spitting my food onto the poor teenager sitting in front of me, how had she known?

Coughing, I hissed at her, "What makes you say that?"

Namie looked at me and sighed, "My suspicion is confirmed." She stood and said, "Your eyes are bloodshot and there are small bags under them." I touched under my eye as she left. I sighed and practically breathed in my food in irritation.

"What was that all about Izaya-san?" I gave him a light glare not to ask before flagging down the waitress for our table. After paying her for my food and something for Mikado, I wandered around Shinjuku then somehow ended up in Ikebukuro. I didn't know why I was there today or what I was expecting. Although Shizuo's face naturally came to mind and I sat down in the closest alleyway, just out of people's way. Every time that man's face came to mind, my heart seemed to run a marathon and a cage of butterflies opened in my stomach.

I pulled out my phone, staring at my wallpaper, the picture I had phone last night. A constant reminder and a fond memory. With some reluctance, I scrolled through his phone contacts, I stood and walked down the alley, heading back home to start work early.

 _[9:00 pm]_

I decided to drop by Janken Umi again, for two reasons; 1: I had a 'date' with Kaori Hiroshima and 2: I wanted to see Shizuo's first day. I was a bit excited and worried at the same time. There was a chance Shizuo would blow my cover and call me by name. I had to warn him before Kaori got there.

Luckily, she wasn't there yet. "Shizu-Chan," I said sitting at the bar.

The blond looked over all smiles and sunshine as he stood in front of me. He was clearly very excited for his first day, "What can I get you?"

"Hang on a minute, I need you to call me Narita while this girl is in the bar," I said holding up Kaori's picture. "It's for a job."

"Hmm, she's cute," Shizuo commented looking over the picture. "Okay then, what do you want to drink?"

I slid off my jacket that hid a thin, gray sleeveless tee and dug my cell out of my black skinny jeans. "I'll take a Brandy to start."

"Okay!" Shizuo laughed, I could tell he was having fun. "Here you go!"

"You know," the informant grinned. "This job suits you, Shizu-Chan." the blond blushed, mixing up a cocktail. 'What a cute face...' Izaya thought.

* * *

 ** _-Shizuo POV-_**

* * *

My heart beat faster, and I knew I was blushing. If words could kill...I would have dies ten times over. I glanced up briefly to see the girl Izaya was talking about sitting right next to him.

"Hi, Narita-san." She said with a smile, her coat soaking wet. The girl really was pretty cute, more so in person than she'd been in the picture. But not to my taste. "It's really pouring outside."

"Really? It was clear when I was out." Izaya said, answering her. He seemed to control the conversation, carefully dragging out little details about her marriage and family. "By the way, Kaori-san..."

"I said I'd buy you a drink, right? I remember," She said with a laugh. "Order whatever you like."

"But I said I'd buy it!" He protested, a cute expression crossing his face.

"No, I insist." Kaori smiled, "As thanks for listening to me."

"Okay then...I'll get a Navy Rum then!" He smiled. I tried hard to control my heartrate as I fixed up the smiley informant's drink. I had never seen him act like this before, it was a new experiance.

"You had that one yesterday, didn't you?" She asked, sipping at her drink.

Izaya nodded, "It's my favorite, this place makes it the best." He looked at me and my heart froze for a moment, quickly returning to its race.

'Damn, damn, damn...he's so cute!' I thought moving to the other side of the bar as the other bartender went on break.

After a couple hours, it was finally my turn to go on break, "I'll be back." I told the current manager and went up front to smoke. I pulled our my lighter and lit up a cigarette, taking a puff.

"You know, those things will kill you, Shizu-Chan," I heard Izaya say beside me. I jumped, startled by the brunette's sudden appearance. He laughed and stood next to me in all my blushing glory.

"Whatever, I'm not worried." I sighed. This was warming, it felt like we were friends again.

"That's what they all say."

I chuckled, changing the subject. "I never knew you were so smooth with women."

"Hmm, no I'm not, women honestly scare me." Izaya laughed. "Their nails are always crazy long and they have unpredictable mood swings that make you dizzy."

"Could've fooled me," I yawned. This was nice, I didn't have to fight him, I could just have a normal conversation with him for once. During our high school years we were very close and I've missed that closeness many times through these several years. Even as much as we fought, it was hard to ever fault him. He may have framed me several times but the crimes he framed me for were never serious.

"This is nice."

"Huh?" Izaya tilted his head slightly. Very cutely in fact (not that I'd say so aloud).

"Nothing, just enjoying the weather." I lied. Izaya gave me a suspicious look, shrugging it off.

"It is isn't it? But too cold." Izaya chuckled. I watched as he absentmindedly pulled out his phone, the screen lighting up for a moment and he froze. I had to look again to confirm but his wallpaper, it was a picture that had been taken nearly ten years ago. During our sophomore year of high school he insisted on taking this picture to commemorate our getting together. I still had a copy, unwilling to part with the memory. I had even made a physical copy and framed it. It's still sitting on my nightstand even now.

"Is that...That picture..." I didn't realize I had spoke aloud until Izaya turned to face me, horrified, his mouth gaping as he tried to muster up anything he could possibly say.

In the end he fell to his knees, over come with his shock and fear. "I can't do this..." He whispered as I knelt next to him Izaya pulled his jacket close around his small figure, his expression pained. "It's too hard.."

"What's wrong?" I had never seen him like this before. "Izaya?"

"I can't!" He shouted as the I reached out to him. He shook his head and pulled away from me, his expression twisted in grief. I wanted to say something, anything to reassure him but I froze as a tear fell down his cheek.

"Izaya..."

"After what I've done...I don't deserve this..." He muttered under his breath, quickly getting to his feet and running away. I could do nothing but stare after him as he got smaller and smaller, finally disappearing around a corner, leaving me both confused and saddened. It took another few minutes before I realized he was gone and went back inside. I'd have to visit his apartment or at least call him. But that would have to wait until tomorrow since (a) I was still at work and (b) Izaya needed time to sort himself out. I had to trust he wouldn't do anything drastic while I was stuck here.


	4. Chapter 4

_**~A/N:**_ ** _(_** **evil laughter)**

* * *

 ** _Izaya pov_**

* * *

I don't think I had never run so much in my life. I was so intent on escape that I had no idea on where I was trying to go, but the next thing I knew, I had tripped and fell onto the pavement. I hissed at the pain of scraping my hands on the concrete. Even, after I stopped running I couldn't seem to catch my breath and the choking sobs weren't helping. I crawled into the alley, to hide from the world that made me hurt others so much. I had thought many times about what the world would be like if I wasn't around. Shizuo wouldn't have suffered so much pain, he could've lived out his life without ever knowing the informant. But there was honestly no way to know that someone else wouldn't try the same stunts I had.

I don't know how long I sat there, crying my eyes out like a child but when I finally came back to my senses, I wasn't crying anymore. It was another few minutes before I stood and started to go home. Although it seemed that fate had other ideas.

I was dragged back into the alley by my hood and thrown against the wall. I hissed lightly in pain, rubbing my shoulder that had collided with the wall. I looked up to face a man who looked like he was in his late thirties. In his expression was a hate that I had seen so many times before and quickly put the pieces together. I steeled my expression back to the cocky smirk I carried on most days.

"Well well, to whom to I give the pleasure of this meeting?" I molded my voice into a smug time, hoping that I hid my panicking emotions well.

"Izaya Orihara, yes?" He spoke with a growl. I narrowed my eyes, carefully looking the stranger over, casually putting both my hands into my pockets, my hand curling around my knife.

"Who's asking?" A sinking feeling crept into the my chest as I glanced around, trying to look as if I had somewhere else to be, mimicking impatience.

"You put my brother and wife in the hospital," The man pulled out a handgun, pointing it at me and in this small alleyway; there would be no escaping the shots. "You need to feel what he felt."

Shit. I couldn't see any way out of this but to hope that I could talk him out of it. "Ooh, such a pretty gun. But ah, I'm willing to bet is illegally bought yes?"

"Ain't none of your business."

"But it is, you see, I happen to be well off with most of the black market and other dealers throughout this entire area." This wasn't a lie. A few of those men were hard to crack, but it was well worth it. "Could you imagine how they might react knowing that you have shot the very man they get most of their customers from?"

The man stayed silent but I could see his mind working behind those eyes. I could tell he was trying to pick out lie from reality. But each word is spoken was true.

"Furthermore, I've never shot anyone. So if your getting back at me for any bullets that may have gone through your loved ones...well, I guess that makes you even lower than me." I said, very carefully holding my tone even, almost playful. "There's no way your lower than a leech, is there?" I was almost taunting him now. I could safely say that I was digging my own grave at this rate.

There was a moment of silence as he lowered his gun and after another moment he spoke again. "Then I guess I'm lower than the low."

He aimed the gun back up and pulled the trigger until the gun clicked. The gun had jammed. His expression holding a mad joy at the way I stumbled back. I had a moment of shock pass over me before he laughed. I didn't asses the damage yet but from the way my leg throbbed I wouldn't be on my feet for very long. He had poor aim but in this small spot it didn't mean much. However, his hand shook so much only three shots landed. One hit my on the arm, another in the stomach, and the last in my thigh. I leaned against a building for support as I struggled to keep my mask up.

"Well, you're a dead man come tomorrow now aren't you. You just didn't want to listen." I spoke evenly with a calm that I knew would scare him off. Thankfully, it seemed to work, I forced myself away from the wall, walking towards the man with a smile. All the while trying not to pay any attention to the sharp throbbing of my leg. "What are you going to do now? You can't say I didn't warn you."

The man stepped back as I patted his cheek, some blood from where I had touched my arm leaving a mark. The look of pure fear that had invaded his senses struck a cord in me. The expression I have seen many times.

I let my expression change into a more serious glare, "shoo." I growled, watching with relief that the man turned tail and ran. I let out a long sigh as he rounded the corner, seeming to never return.

I let my facade drop, my breathing shallowing as I let myself sink to the ground. I tried taking slow, deep breaths to take my mind off the intense, stinging pain of each shot.

"Bastard..." I groaned. "That hurt..."

Even as I knew I needed to move, I just sat there, bleeding onto the pavement. 'This is not how I expected to die...' I found himself thinking. But somehow, maybe Shizuo won't have to suffer anymore. I tried to move, but couldn't and the pain slowly began to dissipate. A darkness crowding my vision.

My vision blurred, the different lights and shapes beginning to confuse me the longer I sat there. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing.

"Izaya?!"

I snapped my eyes open to see Shizuo kneeling in front of me. "Who did this to you?!" I felt his fingers touch each wound delicately before he pulled his shirt off, tearing it into strips.

"What are you doing?" I asked weakly, as he tied a strip onto my leg and arm, just above the shots. "No...Stop!" I tried to push him away with poor, weakened attempts.

"No, _**you**_ stop!" He shouted. "I'm not letting you just die like this!"

"But..." I grabbed at his arm. "If I'm not here...you...you won't...suffer...anymore..."

* * *

 ** _Shizuo pov_**

* * *

I was terrified when I saw all the blood on the small informants body. The same blood covering the concrete around him. His skin was a deathly pale when I found him and for a moment I had thought I was too late. But as I called out to him, he responded weakly but still there. I quickly wrapped up his wounds. Though he cried for me to stop once he gathered some of his strength, to leave him. He was convinced I'd be happier with him gone.

"Recently...I've deluded myself into thinking that, maybe I could've been forgiven..." He sobbed. "After what I did...to you...I..."

"You're an idiot, Izaya..." I sighed as I leaned in close to him, kissing him. His eyes opened wide and he blushed weakly.

"Shizu...chan?" Izaya mumbled weakly after the kiss was broken.

"I had already forgiven you, for that and everything else." I said kissing him again. "But if you died, I'd never forgive you." I looked down, continuing my work. "I'd never forgive you for leaving me." I picked the Izaya up, his small body trembling in my arms.

"...sorry...Shizu-Chan..." I heard him say in a soft voice as he laid his head down on my chest, gripping at my undershirt softly. "I'm...sorry..."

"It's okay, but you should just focus on staying awake until we get to Shinra's," I said sternly while I ran, little drops of stinging rain hitting my face and arms like mini daggers.

"Sorry...I'm sorry...so sorry..." Izaya's voice was weak and then I became truly afraid, picking up my pace ten-fold. "...Shizuo..."

Then I felt his small hand released my shirt the fall onto his jacket as they turned onto Shinra's block. "Shinra!" I shouted, knocking on the doctor's door loudly. "Shinra!"

The door opened and Shinra appeared behind the door, "Shizuo?" His expression quickly changing from sleepy to serious. "What happened!"

"I don't know, but please help him!" I begged, clutching at Izaya's limp figure.

Shinra ushered the two inside and led them downstairs. "Lay him here," He motioned to an operating table as he gathered some medical items. "Go back upstairs and try to calm down."

But I couldn't possibly stay calm, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, fidgeting and pacing the living room as I waited. Celty handed me a towel to dry off and offered to make me something to drink, which I rejected.

[He will be alright] Celty typed onto her phone. I nodded, reluctantly sitting on the couch next to her, no less worried.

She got up and went downstairs to help Shinra and the house became eerily quiet. I put my head onto my hands, doubling over and praying for the first time in my life that he'd be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

**_~A/N: multiple updates today! This is a bit short though  
_**

Shizuo pov

* * *

I recalled the first day they met as kids, just entering junior high. Both of us were widely known for causing trouble. As I thought about it; it was an accident that they even met. Maybe fate. Izaya had already been friends with Shinra, who brought the brunette up in a few conversations, when they met. The young doctor and I ended up becoming friends too after a brawl between schools.

I had stopped by Shinra's house to visit (half so Shinra could lend him some bandages) and Izaya happened to be there.

"Shizuo! What great timing!" The energetic boy cried as the blond walked in. "I'd like you to meet someone!" He pulled me into a side room where the brunette sat at the computer typing quickly. "Izaya, come here."

I froze as the young informant stopped typing and stood slowly, turning to the two new arrivals. "Shizuo, right? I'm Izaya." He spoke soft yet clear with a voice that made me feel like I was melting. If love at first sight was real; I had surely found it.

But now...

The time seemed to pass so slowly and finally, a few hours later, Shinra's steps padded up the stairs. I stood and quickly went over to him, "How is he?! Is Izaya okay?!"

Shinra smiled, "He's just fine, he'll live. He just has a minor fever from the rain to get over before he can leave." He led me to the guest room where Izaya lay resting, "He's a fighter this one."

I looked him over, his expression peaceful and his cheeks red. I reached over softly and brushed the other's hair out of his face. A warmth in my chest as I sighed in relief.

All of my wound up energy seemed to drain out of me as I sat on a chair next to Izaya. "Thank god..." I watched him sleep, his chest gently rising and falling as he breathed with the occasional sigh. Reaching over, I gripped his hand gently, feeling the warmth of his hand relaxed me and lower me closer into asleep.

Izaya pov

* * *

The last thing I could remember, was that I'd been shot and Shizuo came to my aid. The rest was all fuzzy as I stared at the white ceiling trying to remember. A cool breeze tickled my arm and looked over to see Shizuo sitting beside the bed, fast asleep. I sat up slowly, careful not to wake the sleeping blond.

"Good, you're awake."

I looked up to see Shinra leaning against the door, holding a finger to his lips and walking over to them. "You survived three bullets, severe blood loss, and a cardiovascular stoppage of four minutes." He took my pulse, continuing, "He's been here the whole time. Personally, I was shocked when he showed up at my door holding you covered in blood and drenched to the skin."

I glanced down at Shizuo as he moved slightly, his bangs falling over one of his eyes. I lightly moved the blond's bangs aside, revealing his face, his eyes slightly red, like he'd been crying.

"Again...I did it again..." I tried to stand, pain stabbing my leg and stomach as I did.

Shinra placed a hand on my shoulder, "You shouldn't get up while you're still recovering." I shook my head and pushed the doctor's hand away.

"I want to be gone before he wakes." I stood on wobbly legs and reached for my clothes. "So, I'm leaving."  
Shinra grabbed them first, "At least stay here until you heal, Izaya." He held out his hand and helped me to the other guest room. "I'll tell him you left already," he said closing the door behind him.

I sat on the bed, as Celty walked in. Something gripped my heart tightly as if threatening to crush it in its hold. [Shinra sent me to make sure you don't sneak away]

"No worries, I wouldn't be able to even make it home if I left now." I sighed shakily, pushing myself back further on the bed so my back was against the wall. "I'll stay for a while either way."

[Shizuo was really worried you know, he didn't calm down for the whole time Shinra had you downstairs] Celty sat next to me. [He looked so fragile, like he could break at any moment]

"That's why I'm leaving," I said, crossing my arms. "I don't want him to be troubled by me anymore, I don't want him to suffer anymore."  
We jumped as we heard Shizuo shouting from down the hall, Shinra's voice pleaded with him, trying to calm him. I couldn't make out any words but I felt the stabbing pain in each one of Shizuo's words. After a few quick minutes, we heard the door slam, my heart shattering with it. I pulled my knees close and buried my face in my arms, trying to hold back the tears.

The door opened then and Shinra's voice spoke in a saddened tone, "You're sure about this?"

"I don't want to," I answered with a hiccup.

"Then why?" He asked, angrily grabbing my uninjured arm harshly and forced me to look at him. "Why are you pushing him away?!" I tried to snatch my arm away from him but Shinra gripped it tighter, "Why when he's already forgiven you?!"

"Because I can't!" I shouted. Shinra let go of my arm as another tear ran down my cheek. "I can't forgive myself for what I've done to him! As my friend...you'll let me do this..." Shinra's expression softened as his anger vanished and he just sighed.

[You're an idiot] Celty typed, ruffling Izaya's hair. [If you leave, how will you be able to make up for it? You're just running from your problem instead of confronting it]

"Ha, I'm a coward, I know," I laughed, wiping my eyes. "But I need him to forget...to forget that he ever knew me."

Celty and Shinra glanced at each other and knew that Shizuo could never forget Izaya, and the same could be said for the informant. But Iz had made a choice and they had no way of stopping me when I made up my mind.

"Okay, but keep contact with us," Shinra gestured to himself and Celty, "Okay? That's the condition for not calling up Shizuo right now."

I could only nod, leaning back and feeling the cold of the wall against my skin. "Thank you."


End file.
